Peace de Resistance

Summary

• Resistance is pushing back against yourself, people and circumstances because you think they should be different than they actually are.
• Using resistance as a tool to choose serenity created through acceptance or to make effective change or improvement leads to peace and productivity in relationships with self, others and the world around you.   

Last week I met with D., a 48 year old man who came to me frustrated and dissatisfied.  D. lives with chronic physical pain and regularly condemned his body for failing him.  He blamed past relationships for his emotional turmoil and felt he was failing in his career, relationships and finances.  

Within just a few minutes of our initial session, it became obvious that D. was suffering most by his own unwillingness to accept his life for what it currently was.  Focused on dissatisfaction, he was not able to receive the peace that comes from surrender and acceptance or to activate a clear path to change the circumstances of his life causing the dissatisfaction.  D. was in a state of resistance - keeping him in the purgatory of wishing things were different, but feeling incapable of making change.  

Resistance is a passive way of responding to life - it is believing things should be different than they are and is a normal reaction to what we don’t like or agree with.  But when we allow resistance to prevail, it keeps us in suspension, fooling ourselves into thinking we are addressing issues and conflict by complaining and focusing on the problem, while doing nothing to actively change the circumstances.  It is continuing to survive what has been and prevents the creation of effective solutions and change.   Resistance often shows up as judgment and complaining and adds a cloudy layer to the actual issue to which you are encountering, preventing understanding, dismissing personal responsibility and the obstructing ability to make effective change. 

The word should is an indicator of resistance.  Thinking things should be different breeds indecision, inactivity, unacceptance and anxiety, pulling us out of the moment.  The key to staying present when you believe that things should be different than what they are, is understanding your choices and using wisdom, clarity and discernment to make the most empowering choice to accept people, circumstances and yourself for exactly what they are, or to make changes to bring you out of resistance and into empowered action. 

When addressed with honesty and clarity, resistance can bring you greater understanding and perspective, allowing for more peace and freedom in your relationships and in life. 

When confronted with awareness and discernment, resistance can be a powerful tool for change because it offers opportunity for evaluation and accountability or peaceful acceptance of yourself, your circumstance and others.   Remaining in resistance instead of moving to a place of acceptance or change, leads to passivity, frustration, anger and resentment, resulting in disempowerment and emotional dysregulation. But when we meet resistance with creativity and discipline, we launch ourselves into a place of growth and innovation.

A powerful and empowering element of strengthening your leadership and emotional mastery in the face of resistance is discernment and knowing when to push for change in yourself or your circumstances in a meaningful and deliberate way that inspires and encourages those around you. 

When you encounter resistance or hear yourself thinking or saying “should,”, you have one of two choices: accept or change that which is in your personal control.  This is the simplicity and clarity of the Serenity Prayer which lays out your options in the presence of resistance: 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

courage to change the things I can 

and wisdom to know the difference.

When you feel resistance:

1. Accept: Say to yourself, or even out loud, “In this moment, I accept things [this person, these circumstances] exactly as they are.”

              This allows you to clear feelings of frustration to gain clarity to accept or take action.  

1. Discern: evaluate your options: acceptance or action
2. Define your path: 

• Continue with acceptance and move toward gratitude and surrender, “I trust that everything is happening exactly as it is supposed to and that there is power in this situation to help me learn and grow.”
• Or set an intention to change what you can and let go of what is not yours to change.  

Like all things in life, removing the natural proclivity to resist takes practice.  But once you experience the immediate positive effects of using resistance as a path to freedom, resistance becomes a tool for cultivating peace and presence through acceptance or for making necessary changes to bring you closer to optimal living.