Three Things Men Struggle to Admit

Summary:

• Admitting inability or lack of resources can trigger feelings of inadequacy and failure in men
• Saying yes when the answer should be no, leads to self betrayal, exhaustion and inauthenticity
• Learning to identify and accept current limitations cultivates positive self concept, honesty, vulnerability and authenticity 
• Adding the word “yet” to these statements opens up possibility of creating new connection, resources and motivation to equip you to say yes with the right intention in the future 

Last spring a pricing consultant arrived at our home to provide an estimate for replacing the roof. I invited him to sit at our countertop bar and for the next two hours, we talked about life, addiction, marriage and manhood, never once mentioning the roofing project. It became apparent that there was far greater purpose in our connection than replacing our roof. 

Having maintained consistent sobriety for the previous 10 years, being a sponsor to many men through AA and being the second half of a healthy, balanced and functional relationship in the aftermath of a brutal divorce, this man had an unusual amount of wisdom to impart, and I was all ears.

Of all the things he shared, and there were many, the most valuable was his insight into men through three statements he explained most men struggle to declare:

1. I don’t know how.
2. I can't afford it.
3. I need help.

I have thought about and shared this many times in the past year as it was such profound, but simple vision into the hearts and minds of so many men - impossible declarations prohibited by countless obstacles within culture, their homes, their professions, and most pervasively, within themselves.  

In all of my years observing, raising boys and living with, being in relationship with and working with men, it is a lack of vulnerability I witness as being the greatest barrier in allowing them to know, understand and authenticate themselves.  Most women cultivate a healthy network of to freely exchange information, support and validation, but men tend to turn to brotherhood for less purposeful reasons, denying themselves and one another, the opportunity to meaningfully connect and to be seen for the purity and wholeness of who they are. 

If men lack a supportive network, they can begin creating an honest and positive self image by examining who they are and what they envision as the most desirable version of themselves.  Becoming comfortable with these three statements is a great place to start.  

“I can't" and “I need” require admitting a lack of resources and can trigger (often old) feelings of inadequacy and failure.

If I can’t do this, what does it say about me as a man? 

But simply put, it means only that in order to accomplish what needs to be done, you need to learn, tap into or call on an outsourced skill set or simply accept that this request cannot be filled at this time.   

Do you feel inadequate when you have to call a specialist to repair something in your home because you aren't skilled in that trade or because you simply don’t have the time, or even desire, to attend to it?  Seeking assistance and support on an emotional level is the same as calling in a plumber to repair a leaking pipe in your home - it’s not weak, it’s smart.  

The real work comes in separating the “I can’t” from your personal identification as a man, father, husband, provider and protector.  Saying no does not make you any less of a man, in fact it’s just the opposite.  It makes you more understanding of who you are and honest in delivering on your current capabilities and seeking help and support when you need it.

When we hide any aspect of ourselves, we thwart growth and deny deep connection with self and others by showing up only in part.  There is something intrinsically betraying about this rote, often subconscious response to life - something that reminds us of the parts we fear and even hate so much, we have to deny their existence and mask them with falsehood and inauthenticity. 

Coming to truth through these three simple statements may feel like confessions or admissions of weakness or failure, but really, they are the ultimate display of strength, allowing opportunity for self love and loyalty through acceptance, that when examined, can help cultivate better understanding of who you are.  These statements as truthful responses to something that is being asked or demanded of you, also offer a chance to say no, moving from placation and pleasing at the expense of yourself, and into a practice that allows the freedom that comes with showing up as your authentic self.  

If these three statements continue to feel challenging for you, try adding a tiny, but powerful word: yet.  Suddenly, instead of creating a no, a failure or a limitation, you create an empowering and motivating future yes, inviting you to consider new solutions, a more reasonable timeline and the ability to acquire new skills and resources for your role as a provider. 

So next time you find yourself in a situation that shows you something you can’t do, can’t afford or with which you need help, take it as a meaningful opportunity to pause and connect with the man you are by acquiring the resources you need to transform an “I can’t” into an “I can,” and most importantly to create acceptance of who you are, to design a clear vision of who you want to be in the future.