The Most Dangerous Man

The most dangerous man is a man who has not processed his pain.  

Early in boyhood, a man receives a variety of messages directing him to bypass, dismiss and suppress pain.  Perhaps you have heard and believed many of these yourself:

             Boys don’t cry.                     Suck it up.  

             Deal with it.                          I’ll give you something to cry about. 

             Grow up.                                It’s over.  Move on.  

             Man up.                                 Life isn’t fair. 

             Stop pouting.                       Toughen up.   

All of these phrases compound the message that your pain is not real or worthy of acknowledgment. 

Whereas it is necessary to “man up” and grow up so that each man can be the optimal masculine leader of self and protector and provider to others, men need to know how to do this in a way that allows them to mindfully integrate and resource their pain in a way that is healthy and empowering. This is a core work of Repositioning that sets men free from the enslaving elements of their past to limitlessly create in all areas of their lives. 

Unprocessed pain will manifest in one of three ways:

1. The Lasher

The Lasher is a man who takes out his pain on others. This can present across a spectrum of thought, spoken word and behaviors.  The Lasher uses many weapons to avoid acknowledging and accessing his pain. He will blame and shame others.  He will withhold and withdraw himself from meaningful connection.  He will retreat and avoid.  He will criticize, manipulate and condemn.  He will devalue.  He will lie. He will cheat, aggress, call names, steal, and abuse.  

2. The Internal Basher

The Internal Basher takes out his pain on himself.  He internalizes, keeping his thoughts circuitous, incomplete and in isolation. He is full of guilt, shame, remorse and regret.  His concept of himself focuses on a false truth of inadequacy.  He harms himself through dangerous thoughts, risky behaviors, substance abuse, pornography, sexual deviancy, gambling, isolation, distraction, over-eating, addiction and suicide.  The Internal Basher may not be aware of the harm he is doing to himself and very rarely understands how he is harming all who love and care about him.  

3. A combination of the two, exemplifying a mix of the thoughts, feelings and behaviors listed above.

It is almost impossible to be a strong and balanced masculine living with unprocessed pain because rather than providing and protecting those they love, men become an undependable and unpredictable threat to themselves and others.  

Pain is an inevitable part of life. It is what we do with it that matters. It is the choice to remain disabled and enslaved by pain, or to embrace and engage with it to empower and strengthen you, that makes all the difference. 

Most men do not know that they have unprocessed pain.  They do not understand that they are operating from an outdated, dysfunctional and unhealthy belief system that was established and developed long ago as child who didn’t have the ability to understand the world around them or what was happening to them.  Left with that misunderstanding, they allow the existing pain to connect to their present through relationship conflict, disparaging thoughts and feelings, and harmful behaviors.  

The key to accessing and integrating pain is to link your current behaviors, thoughts and feelings to help you courageously uncover it.  Every single person with whom you interact, most importantly your primary relationships (siblings, parents, romantic partner and children), will be critical providers in helping you heal past pain.  They will present opportunities to show you the remnants of pain that are concealed. We call these triggers.  

To heal past pain: 

• Use situations that heighten your emotions as learning opportunities.
• Use the 4 E’s (previous blog post): Embrace, Engage, Encourage and Elevate to help you stay present and prepared in the face of challenging and triggering situations.
• Practice compassionate understanding and forgiveness of self and all who have harmed you.  
• Explore how painful experiences have strengthened and equipped you.
• Reach out to and connect with others to confess, share and receive a comprehensive understanding of self through shared perspective. 
• Consciously transition from victim to triumphant victor.

Pain is a necessary part of life.  It is the discomfort that illuminates where we need to heal and evolve.  Pain is a means of authentic connection, of truth and an opportunity to give and receive love through honesty, transparency and vulnerability.  

A safe and healthy man processes his pain.  He embraces and engages with painful thoughts, memories and feelings.  He accepts.  He reflects. He asks for forgiveness and he forgives.  He falls to his knees.  He seeks wisdom,  guidance and connection, with the desire to reveal what is driving negative thoughts and behaviors.  

A very good friend of mine recently walked me through the despair he experienced during his divorce.  He described himself as “laying at the bottom of a pit”. During this time, he found rehabilitation and strength like he had never before experienced - through outreach, brotherhood, counseling, confession and connection.  He reflected deeply to understand himself and his flaws.  He never used alcohol, sex or drugs to escape or avoid the truth and pain. It was a long and excruciating process, but as a result he is the model of manhood and the picture of strength in spirit and leadership. He has freed himself from the pain of his past and used it to leverage empowerment of himself and others in every aspect of his life.  

At the core of Repositioning is the process of understanding a man’s past so that he may discern what is available to powerfully  equip him with resources to live the most engaged and meaningful life.  Collaboratively we alchemize pain into strength and resilience and use these byproducts to see deeply into and connect with self and others and to meaningfully engage with life.