From Passive to Actively Engaged

It’s interesting that Eve traditionally bears the blame for the Original Sin.  Yes, we know that Eve accepted the fruit from the serpent, but what was Adam’s role?  They had been issued the same command from God and in fact, Adam knew the assignment before Eve arrived on the scene:

“And the Lord God commanded the man… you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil..” Genesis 2:16

When confronted by God, Adam explained, 

“The woman you put here with me - she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” Genesis 3:12

Adam’s contribution to the fall of man was remaining silent or passive during two opportunities to be active in his masculinity, leadership and growth. First Adam allowed Eve to persuade him from what he knew was best, and secondly he blamed Eve for his choice and action.  In surrendering to his partner's temptation, Adam failed to protect Eve.  He allowed their drift from purity - from what was best not only for his partner, but also for himself and everyone in relation to them and in blaming her, he failed to own his own transgression.  You have to wonder how Eve ever trusted Adam again.

The Bible doesn’t provide the account of Adam and Eve as insight into the masculine versus the feminine, but rather provides valuable guidance of the masculine in support of the feminine, demonstrating how instrumental men are, and must be, in healthy leadership of self, others and society at large.  

Strong masculine leadership requires a man to be prepared to respond in a way that is healthy and valuable.  Because men are typically physical, “doers,” and problem solvers, many freeze, or go passive, when they don’t know what to do or how to fix or solve.  The opposite of passive is not active, it’s actively engaged. This means embracing what is actually happening, not just what is happening for you,  and engaging in service (protective of and provisional) to others. Actively engaged means choosing the best response, even if that means remaining mindfully silent or admitting that you don’t know what to do, until it is clear as how to move forward with the best intention of service, and in the best interest in protection of and provision to others. 

Learning to remain active begins with knowing your roles and responsibilities in three critical relationships with:

1. Self 
2. Primary Relationship (wife, partner, significant other) 
3. Society/Community 

If you are open to connecting with a higher power (God), I encourage you to develop this relationship above all else.

Relationship with Self

Getting to know yourself, as an active and on-going endeavor, is critical to your ability to show up as a trusted masculine in all of your relationships.  Learning about yourself should not be seen or engaged in selfishly, but rather as an effort to understand how you can best show up to your purpose, to your relationships, to serve, protect and to provide.  Not only does a healthy society depend on men to fulfill their masculine roles and responsibilities, men are most mentally and emotionally healthy when they understand their purpose and significance.  To know yourself, identify and evaluate:

• Who you are as a man (accurate self concept)
• Your emotions (triggers, responses and reactions, etc.)
• The impact of your actions and inaction and decision making 
• Your relationships, their value and your valuable contribution to them
• Your roles (partner, husband, father, etc.)
• Your responsibilities in these roles (to self and others)

Primary Relationship 

Most of the men in my practice come to me in relationship crisis or for another reason which almost always leads to an unveiling of an unhealthy or failing primary relationship.  This topic could be an entire book, as opposed to a short section of a brief article, but here we will cover the biggest issue I witness with most of my clients: passivity. 

One of the most dangerous constructs for guidance in marriage (and partnership) is “Happy ‘wife’ (girlfriend, fiancé, etc.), happy life.”  Take a minute to consider the actual meaning and intention of that quip: If I live my life in accordance with everything my partner wants, if I passively let her lead to avoid conflict, accountability and emotional challenges, my life will be easy…

… and out of your command.

… and vapid of authentic connection.

… and without balance.

…and leaving up to chance, and often forfeiting, your most valuable and sacred assets: your heart, soul, intentions, value, attention, marriage, future… (I can go on and I am sure you can too.)

Men resort to passivity in their primary relationships for a number of reasons. The passive male may lack emotional control, feel overwhelm in the face of conflict or a major decision, be conflict avoidant or incapable of honest communication.  He typically lacks confidence in himself and does not understand his value.  He may feel as if he is being active by surrendering in the name of peace when in reality he is forfeiting an opportunity to cultivate trust, intimacy and healthy connection.  

Relationships in and with Community and Society

Evolution of society has had a major impact on the definition of the masculine and feminine roles and how they balance and complement one another.  Whereas some constructs have needed evaluation and adjustment, like women’s rights, others suffer when tampered with.  This subject also deserves greater attention than what is appropriate for this space, but simply put, men need to know their essential and critical value to their community and to society at large.  Knowing how you impact and effect your immediate community as well as the nation and world, is deserving of your understanding.  Succinctly put:

Men, you are intrinsic to the health, wellness, success and survival of your relationships, your family, our species and society, despite anything you have been told by culture.  

Remaining active in your roles, defining and pursuing your purpose and nobly embracing your responsibilities are essential pursuits of and for your masculinity.  Men who are fulfilled are happier, healthier, more successful in their relationships and less susceptible to anxiety, depression and suicide.  

We need healthy men.  This is the drive and purpose behind my dedication to strengthening men.